An Atheist Observes Ramadan: Week 1

Introduction:

I was instructed by fellow Muslim friends in the U.S. to start fasting for Ramadan on Wednesday, July 10th. I read that day that most Muslims in America started on Tuesday. I think the disagreement stems from when the crescent moon is visible in the night sky. More information on the controversy is better discussed here:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/07/09/ramadan-start-date_n_3566129.html

Ramadan is broken down like this: 

Fajr is the first of the five daily prayer. A meal is prepared and eaten before the prayer and before sunrise. The first day Fajr began at 4:06am. Dhuhr is the midday prayer that is silent and starts at 12:46pm, Asr, which is the afternoon prayer that is also silent and offered up at 4:36pm on the first day, Maghrib at 8:00pm, which is the prayer before breaking the fast. It was also customary to break the fast as Muhammad did with eating 3 dates. The final prayer which was the hardest for me for some reason was Isha at 9:27pm. 

I was reading about the Fajr prayer and was fascinated by the beauty (without it hinging on any actual truth, just more so poetic) that Allah favored this prayer the most because it was a more personal prayer due to the fact that everyone else was sleeping. Only the diligent practicing Muslims were getting God's prime attention in these hours. In some way it struck me as sort of intimate and beautiful.

Day 1 (Wednesday)

I set my alarm Tuesday night for 3:45am Wednesday morning. I barely had time to eat a peanut butter and honey sandwich and chug a bottle of water before prayer. As I would learn peanut butter was a bad choice (it was stuck in my throat a good portion of the morning without being able to drink water to wash it down.) It felt like a race against time to eat before 4:06am. I was so terrified to pray again. It had been so long since I had done such a thing. Of course this time it was to Allah instead of Yahweh. I was nervous even though this was completely private. I washed up and spread the towel (my prayer mat) on the floor, opened up the laptop for reference, and recited this prayer just in the nick of time :

By the light of day, and by the dark of night, your Lord has not forsaken you, nor does He abhor you. The life to come holds a richer prize for you than this present life. You shall be gratified with what your Lord will give you.

Did He not find you an orphan and give you shelter?

Did He not find you in error and guide you?

Did He not find you poor and enrich you?

Therefore do not wrong the orphan, nor chide away the beggar. But proclaim the goodness of your Lord.

I recited it over and over really grasping the meaning as I went along. I praised Allah multiple times then fell on my face towards the Qibla. Then that was it. It only lasted 10-15 min. I sat in silence for the last 5 min. face to the ground. I’m sure I did something wrong here (I didn't do my homework on how Muslims pray, obviously), but I feel like this whole month will be a learning process of what to do and not do. I will do my best to follow all the rules. After researching a little more I see there are specific orders and jestures for praying. I didn’t follow these orders. I will in the next prayer and from now on. This was fajr, next up Dhuhr (midday prayer). I’m not sure how I’m supposed to pray at work. I guess I’ll find out soon enough.

I’ve already broken rules. I cussed twice. I looked at a woman's body on TV for 2 seconds (but it wasn’t really out of lust just out of biologic instinct) I caught myself and stopped.  The one very good thing about Ramadan is it forces you pay attention to your life. I really like the fact that you notice what you do. I’m not so sure I buy the censoring yourself bit of it, but I do think that being more aware of what you say, what you think, what you do is overall a good thing. It brings searing personal clarity in this rat race world.

The Duhuhr prayer went much more smoothly with this guide I found online: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B7MbKmTCNSU 

Of course I messed up on some details on which way to angel your feet and my scoliosis is problematic when I go into ruku. I did mess up and drop and F-bomb in frustration, which I instantly noticed and asked for forgiveness for (is that strictly a Catholic thing though?). So far refraining from cussing has been the hardest for me. I thoroughly enjoyed the peaceful prayer time. I think it’s important in meditation and prayer to truly “let go” of everything. You must free yourself of your thoughts, your anxiety, your upcoming schedule at work, and just be in "the moment". In many ways this is a beautiful thing about Islam. It teaches you to stop and pray. It commands that you stop your busy life and take a minute to just sit and focus. It’s as if the specific details of prayer and the specific times help discipline you. Is this the good of religion? Are we a species of apes that need routine and discipline to live a healthier life (even as adults)? Maybe.

I think in my life I am one of those humans that could really benefit from religion. That sounds really strange to say, but what I mean is my life has been so aimless and so disjointed in the last 10 years. I had no direction, no goal as far as career path or overall life decisions. I’m just taking up space and deepening my carbon footprint. In some odd way its what atheists like me lack. We need a lifeline, a grid to fall into to live a more successful life. I suppose that lifeline can be filled with a career path or humanitarian work, but I can see how religion can suck you in. It’s arms are open wide and accepting of anyone. And it's easy. You don't need to be a specialist to partake in it. That's why atheists desperately need companionship and solidarity, working together in their local communities in groups. I read that ex-pastor Jerry Dewitt was starting a church for atheists. Not that they would worship science or whatever but that they were get together for fellowship.

There is something very humanizing about participating in strict religious rituals such as Ramadan. You sort of get this overwhelming realization that we are all just humans. Having some knowledge of the sciences of cosmology, geology, and biology you tend to always pull back to see the big picture: we are just a species of ape on this insignificant planet, of which is billions of years old, the cosmos is deeply older, and so on. So when you see these Muslims praying, fasting, and connecting to the poor and reflecting on Allah you see those like myself that are atheists who aren't Muslim or Mormon or Christian or Jew or Scientologists, you see we're all the same. You see the connection: who knows who is right. I may be wrong – there may actually be a God of some kind (that God may very well be Allah), but the one thing we all know is that we are human beings. And we are all just working things out each in our own way. In this regard I have been knocked off my pedastal of looking down on the religious people with their delusions of god and am beginning to see we are all on the same level. No one is better than anyone else here. Life is internal. The big questions are subjective and we all have to grapple how we deal with these questions til we die and turn back into stardust eventually.

I made it through the day. I didn’t think I would. Either the lack of caffeine or lack of food or combo of both led me to one of the worst migraines I’ve ever had. I was doing an offsite book signing, sitting next to my fellow worker selling Oscar Goodman’s book, who was sitting next to Dinesh D'Souza who was also signing his new book, when I began to feel very light headed and nauseous. I was at this event in Vegas called "Freedomfest" full of Tea Party types. Let's just say these weren't really my people. I got up in a daze trying to go get some water (the rule I have broken here and there when absolutely necessary). This was around 7:30pm. 30 min to go. It was somewhat of a nightmare aimlessly feeling my way around a room full of white Republicans (minus Dinesh). I felt like I was in the movie "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" tripping on acid as I stumbled among these reptiles. I finally got water from the bartender. This helped as I was very close to passing out. To break fast I unwisely chose to eat a burger which made me want to throw up. I only ate half of it and ate later on that night soup and chicken once my stomach settled.

In those moments of terror where the headache was so bad I could barely walk I remember vividly missing moderate Christianity. I missed my old comfortable Middle America, white moderate religion where Jesus was just alright and he would help you find your car keys. I missed being comfortable and natural as I twisted reality to match my Holy Book's teachings. I really began to hate Islam in those moments (as if it was forcing me to do this.) I time-traveled back to when I was younger and despised a religion I knew nothing about. That was a religion practiced by non-whites over in some place that wasn't America. Eww. The fast came to an end I prayed and went to bed.

Day 2 (Thursday)

Woke up on time. Had a very successful prayer after a small meal went back to bed. I found a helpful instructional video online that uses some computerized green Muslim showing step by step the motions you must go through when praying as I mentioned earlier. The prayer (salah) I recite every morning is in two parts. The first part is as follows:

In the name of Allah, the most Beneficial, most Merciful. Praise be to Allah, Lord of the worlds. The Beneficient, the Merciful. Master of the Day of Judgment. You alone we worship and to You alone we turn for help. Guide us to the Straight Path. The path of those whom You favored. Not of those who earned Your anger. Nor of those who went astray.

In the name of Allah the most Beneficient, most Merciful.  He is Allah. The One (Unique). Allah, the Independent upon whom all depend; He fathers not, nor is He fathered; And there for Him is none alike.

I start with hands raised, palms facing the Qibla (northeast-ish)

I place my right hand over my left just over bellybutton and with three fingers shown. Then recite salah.

I go into ruku (which is a bent position with hands on knees)

Then sujood. (which is knees first, nose then forehead, palms on ground in a bowing position, feet have toes pointed out towards the Qibla.)

Then sit on the floor with right foot straight, left foot bent to the side. then another sujood then up again to recite the last surah.

In the name of Allah, the most Beneficient, most Merciful. I seek refuge with the Lord of Dawn. From the mischief of created things; From the mischief of Darkness as it overspreads; From the mischief of those who blow knots (practice witchcraft); And from the mischief of the envious one as he practices envy. 

Then repeat...

The index finger is pointed forward, then I turn my head to right then to left and then I'm allowed to ask Allah whatever I wish in prayer requests.

Today was drastically more tolerable than yesterday. I did not break fast, however on my way to work since I was traveling I did stop for a cup of black iced coffee to combat the migraine I knew was coming since I hadn’t eaten all day. It worked miracles. I felt great all day.

-- This is the one thing I apparently couldn't give up since it helped combat migraines. I know this is cheating but it is something that I had to do to help me function without pain all day. I would never put anything in coffee (no milk or sugar).--

Around 7pm I began to get pretty weak but I did eat after prayer, thanking Allah for the meal. I ate plums, oranges, banana, and apricot while easing myself into an actual meal of a burrito with black bean dip from Trader Joes. I learned my lesson from yesterday by not eating too much too quickly. I did stop for a burger on the way home at In & Out too. I just had to, alright, don't judge me! I also stopped for a 24 oz beer, I don’t know if this is against the rules of Ramadan. (Of course I know it is -- since practicing Muslims never drink anyways). I always feel like after 8pm you are allowed to do whatever, except cuss, sexual relations, etc. but maybe that’s not the case. Maybe tomorrow I will do better. It's day two and I have already cheated.

Day 3 (Friday)

Cheated this time once again. I'm drastically failing at Ramadan. I would make a horrible Muslim. I drank water without driving. I also stopped for coffee on the way to work, though it was black with no cream or sugar it helped combat the headache that was sure to follow a day of not eating. Overall this has been absolutely liberating. It feels weird to know that I could actually get used to not eating anything all day long. I didn’t pray today except in the morning and night, it is very difficult to pray at work since it involves the prayer mat, etc. I came back to a beautiful spread of food to break my fast around 8:45pm tonight at my friend's house. Hummus, dates, cucumbers, tomatoes and cheese, baba ghanoush, rice, bread, and peppermint tea. Also various deserts that were all so delicious. Today was one of the best days I’ve experirence with Ramadan. I discussed with my Muslim friend taking food to homeless this Sunday when I am off work to do more charity work. My atheist friend and I are planning on breaking fast together tomorrow (magrid) around 8pm. I look forward to Day 4.

Day 4 (Saturday)

This day began horribly. The Envious One made me oversleep. I woke up at 5am. My alarm didn’t go off for some reason, and I was barely able to pray without eating before sunrise. Little did I know this was only the beginning of my going astray and slipping away from some of the core rules during Ramadan. For the last few days I was unable to pray at the other times. However, I did what I could to make up for it. Each day becomes easier to not eat. Even at work. In fasting it’s sort of this state of tranquil bliss one experiences life through this hazy lens. I love it. It really is like being on a drug. And I am sort of becoming used to it quickly. However, around 6pm when I got off work I was ready to eat. I met up with my atheist friend to grocery shop for breaking our fast. It was his first day of the fast and he was experiencing it just as roughly as I was on my first day.

We grabbed some groceries from Whole Foods and Smith’s. We stumbled around all weak and tired at the stores. We went back to his place to prepare the meal. It was an all raw meal. We prepared veggies with baba ghanoush, cucumbers, broccoli, cauliflower, peppers, tomatoes and nan with falafel. It was very delicious. We broke our fast with organic dates, and after we ate we enjoyed tea and homemade vanilla bean, honey ice cream. My friend and I had a good time discussing all sorts of different subjects. This was one of my favorite Ramadan days ... until nighttime. I met up with a friend and we both did something no strict Muslim does, drank beer. We had a couple of beers (a gift from my manager at my job) and I stayed up way too late. So late in fact I completely missed fajr.

Day 5 (Sunday)

I woke today with a mild hangover from just a couple beers since I don't drink often, which required water and a large helping of guilt for missing morning prayer. I slept through it all. I participated in the midday prayer at 12:46pm since I was off work and able to. I spoke with my Muslim friend who mentioned our ideas of charity work may be better served if we donate money to Red Cross (as they seem to be the only major charity organization that doesn’t pay their presidents and CEOs big money). He also let me know that most of the charity work is done near the end of Ramadan so we can go around giving out bottled water and food to homeless then. I still may start my charity work earlier, but I agreed to focus more on doing it during the end of Ramadan. My friend was going to store to get food to prepare a healthy meal to break fast tonight at 8pm.

So far I’ve changed my attitude about how much I really need food during the day and how much I pointlessly consume. In this regard Ramadan has given me power over my own urges. Ramadan was supposed to teach me that I am much more than merely an animal, with these typical animal urges. Unlike the savages from other species we can control our sexual urges or other "immoral thoughts" and keep them at bay. Of course this is all for Allah’s sake, not simply to make society civil and keep sexually violent crimes down. Whatever works, right? I have to wonder what else Ramadan will teach me, since it seems it has not stopped me from cussing. It also hasn’t kept me praying consistently or stopped me from drinking alcohol. I haven’t done any charity work yet, and when I did finally eat, at least in my first few days, I gorged on junk food, which is counterproductive of the fast in the first place.

I also haven’t felt anything when I’ve prayed. Maybe I am doing it wrong or I'm not giving it the focus it deserves. However I did pray to have a completely peaceful uneventful day at work with no crazy incidences and that came true so does Allah answer prayers? Did Yahweh help me find my car keys as a teenager? Need I reiterate that I am an atheist and I don’t believe in this, but in some ways I wish I could “feel something” devout when I pray as the faithful do. I want to be swept up in the spirit of Islam to see what all this is about. I don’t want to feel like I’m just following an online instructional video with a little green Muslim guy each time I pray. Which is precisely what I’m doing so far. Maybe Islam will teach me something after all, but I have to say so far not much going on in my heart or head, just in my stomach.

Day 6 (Monday)

This was one of the most successful days of Ramadan for me. I ate a proper meal for fajr. I ate all kinds of fruits and rice pudding with honey. It was delicious. I went back to bed and woke up fairly late. I noticed that when I can sleep in I do sleep in since it’s easier to deal with fasting when you are sleeping the day away. Since I ate so much in the morning it actually made me much more hungry all day long, but I survived and for the first time prayed all five prayers required for Muslims. Even at work I was able to sneak away on my break and do a quick prayer. I had a thought though, in the midday prayer while I was reciting the usual prayer,

In the name of Allah the most Beneficient, most Merciful.  He is Allah. The One (Unique). Allah, the Independent upon whom all depend; He fathers not, nor is He fathered; And there for Him is none alike.”

In the Bible (Exodus 34:14) we see Yahweh is a jealous God; it seems Allah is no different. My skepticism kicked in right in the middle of praying this. This whole idea seems so outdated. It made since in days when religion was the only game in town. There was no such thing as science. There were no atheists then. So various religions faced serious competition from other religions. No one is worshiping multiple gods these days either. The main thing I’ve noticed about the Qu’ran as I’ve read it so far (I’m only a few hundred pages into it at the moment) is that Islam is constantly trying to separate itself from other religions. “He fathers not, nor is he fathered.” – Islam is not Christianity. In the free market of selling religion back when Islam was really young it was important to talk down the competition.  It is a market strategy to distance oneself from the competitor - (AKA: Judaism or Christianity.) It all seems so man-made, derived, and so dated. It actually made me sad to realize this. Especially during prayer.

It also made me realize my privileged position in time, in racial, class, gender status in this country. I am an atheist simply because I have had the freedom to question, I have had the freedom to educate myself. Had I been born in a different time period, in a different country or as a different gender or race I may not be so lucky. I do consider myself lucky to be free as I am here in America in this time period. I have the privileged advantage of sitting back and looking at human history and it's long littered past of religions (dead and alive) and pick and chose what makes sense per my own reasoning and logic. I am not devoid of perspective. I try to constantly remind myself of my status in life. 

After work I broke my fast in the most American way possible – I ate at a big fat juicy burger once again. I came home and ate a salad as well. This day was a success. I packed a small breakfast of dates, bananas, and rice pudding again to take up to my room to eat for fajr. Today my Muslim friend jokingly said I think I am going to take you to the Mosque at the end of Ramadan and everyone there will love you for observing this old Muslim tradition. I simply don't look like a typical Muslim. I thought to myself that due to the fact that I am a white person, an American from the Midwest originally, with brown hair and blue eyes, that I would be welcomed as an ally for this often demonized religion in this country. That thought made me smile. I have mixed feelings about this notion of so called "Islamophobia" in so much that it's not the people (Muslims) anti-theist are combating in the war of ideas but the doctrine of Islam. However, in this country we profile people and it's unfortunately. Just as we do with Hispanics in the border states or African Americans nearly everywhere, we do the same with Muslims in the long wake after 9/11. Some of the most loving people I know are practicing Muslims. I would trust my life to these beautiful, kind, loving, caring people. I remembered what I said earlier, it all goes back to us simply being a species of apes just trying work things out in our heads all the time.

Day 7 (Tuesday)

This is it. This is day 7 for me, day 8 for some. I woke today without a hitch, had my breakfast, and also had a great morning prayer before sunrise. I prayed again for Dhuhr just before 1pm. I went to work as usual in the afternoon. I thought not eating all day would make me irritable. In the past I have become a monster to people I'm around if I haven't eaten in a long while. Working in a retail environment just magnifies the problem since it seems 99% of the customers that come in are morons and never know what they actually want. I was pleasantly surprised to notice that instead of making me angry towards my fellow human beings, fasting brought about a certain love for people. I know that sounds cheesy but it is true. In my hunger-fueled daze I became more compassionate and move interested in helping people.

One example: Tonight I helped a woman who was basically dying of cancer. She had lymphoma and was in our store just after a chemo treatment. She was constantly apologizing for not being able to talk well and express a clear thought. She was looking for anti-cancer cookbooks and other such helpful healthy books. I spent so much time talking with her about her life and I kept making her laugh. She loved me, she told me after I ordered several books for her. She found me engaging and fun to be around and after our exchange it hit me. It felt like a shot of adrenaline mixed with some euphoric drug high that I have never experienced on any drug. It was noticeably physical (chills, hair standing on end, elation - like I was almost coming out of my body.) It was as if the routinely "feel good about yourself" feeling you experience after helping others was magnified by my fasting and I felt like I jumped up a level in life. I felt transcended in that moment where I had to grab a hold of a nearby table to anchor myself in my weak state. That was an experience I will never forget and it's becoming extremely clear to me now that Ramadan is beginning to be a very positive experience in my life.

I prayed at work again, broke fast at 8pm with a few dates, then burrito and rice pudding. I ate a few walnuts as well. However, again went out with friends and had a few beers. The hardest part apparently I have with trying to emulate a Muslim during Ramadan is not drinking beer (and of course coffee and water). Even though the night went a little south off the path of a practicing Muslim the day was well worth my signing up for this ritual. I am now used to not eating until sundown. I went to bed satisfied about my experiences during my first week of Ramadan.

Week two coming soon ...