In my last blog entry I mentioned a Christian friend of mine named Dan. When we had our debates a few years back he asked me about my atheism. He mentioned the obvious truth - my overexposed religious upbringing caused my rejection of theism. He mentioned how growing up in the Baptist church/school environment for my entire childhood was probably not healthy. In fact, he stated that he thought that the Christian education I received wasn't adequately "Christian" enough or "proper" scholarly Christian enough. My issue with my religious upbringing stems almost solely from the education portion of my childhood. It's one thing to teach a child in Sunday School that Jonah lived in a whale, but it's quite another thing to talk about Noah's ark in biology class in junior high or high school. To compound the problem, the Christian school I went to at the time was drastically understaffed with credited teachers in the fields of mathematics and science. We had a great English teacher. I know she was good because those specific classes were actually memorable and she actually pushed us to learn. When I took my ACTs I found out just how poor my math skills were. I'm still playing catch up in college to this day. It wasn't necessarily like this every year, but some years were more understaffed in certain subjects than others. The philosophy was sacrifce quality of education for a "christian" education. (and censored education) - such as American history, for example. I know, I know Fox News would not approve of me learning a single critical thing about American history.
I have spoken often in my blog about my ferocious loathing of Christian education in place of public education (as the sort that I received). I can blame this "leg down" on life all I want, but of course in perspective just by being born a white male in twentieth century America gives me the biggest "leg up" possible. So I'm not devoid of perspective on this, and I don't fault my family for sending me to this school. Many may find that hard to believe, but I honestly do not hold a grudge. It was what they felt right at the time. I, of course, wouldn't send my kids to a evangelical school instead of public school. My father (as I've stated in previous blog entries) is very religious. My mother is a Christian. However, I am not sure if she goes to church as often as we all once did. My mother and I do not talk about religion. This isn't to say we couldn't some day or that it may just be my fault for being so afraid to talk about my disbelief with her. It's nerve-racking being an atheist when the rubber meets the road with a religious family. It's very, very uncomfortable as some of you may know. That's probably why a lot of families don't discuss these things if they disagree. It sure is much easier if you are not outspoken about your atheism or especially anti-theism. I do think being an atheist in this day and age is much easier than it used to be. In some ways it is like "coming out of the closet". Not quite as drastic as coming out as a gay man or lesbian, but awkward nonetheless with religious family members. It has generally been forbidden to discuss such things at the dinner table - such things as doubt in Christianity itself. Books by Dawkins and Harris have helped mainstream this idea of disbelief and skepticism being finally more socially acceptable. And no matter how many anti-neo-atheist books I read there is no denying that this push back towards religion in this country has helped. The latest polls show the nonbeliever group is now skyrocketing as fast as Christianity is declining in America.
As of late, I have become a little more on my heels about my anti-theism. I can't get this idea out of my head presented in Frans de Waal's book. It's so simple and not really all that profound but it shook me a bit. He says, "The central issue of atheism, which is the (non)existence of God, strikes me as monumentally uninteresting. What do we gain by getting in a tizzy about the existence of something no one can prove or disprove?" I can think of a counter argument to this - clearly there must be a pushback against the majority of religious indoctrination being shoved in our face in this country. Religion being taught in the science classroom via "intelligent design". Religion effecting women's rights to choose what to do with her body or stem cell research, etc. However, Waal is right. When we elevate above this centuries long debate between God or no God we see it's really sort of a non-issue. Religion does poison a lot of things in modern society. It could actually be a social vestige from our evolutionary past. It destroys our critical thinking skills, it robs us of our money, it brainwashes our children, it subjugates women and homosexuals, it flies planes into buildings, and gets us thinking unscientifically when we take the dogma as mandate from God or the "holy books" as literal, but above it all - it's really a non-issue. We live in a world where most people may need to take their eyes off of their Facebook accounts, set down their iPhones, turn off their Monday Night football, shut off the reality TV, and think a little more deeply about things.
I focus so often in this blog on the "bad" in my life - the religious indoctrination, the untruths, the poor science education, etc, but what did I gain from my childhood? My parents were and still are very supportive and loving parents. We always had food to eat, provided by my father working at his factory job. Did you know my father made most of the furniture in our house? He also plays the piano and was really good at basketball. He doesn't play anymore, but he is an excellent golfer. He is hilarious to be around and he's one of those people that you can make laugh and laugh til the point that they are so red in the face they look like they will explode at any moment. I love my father a great deal.
And My mother. What can I say about my courageous, self-sacrificing, loving mother? She stayed home when we were younger which probably is the greatest single cause for my brother and I turning out as decent as we have. I am clearly not perfect, and have my flaws like many others, but overall my mother and father did a tremendous job raising my brother and I. My mother knows children. She should have been a child psychologist. She understands exactly what they need (even the troubled ones). I love hearing her amazing stories from her pre-school job she works at now. She conquers problem kids, she gets them to love her and she does it all with class, grace, and dignity. She is strict but loving at the same time, and children are drawn to her like a magnet because of this. So the question is what positive things came from my Christian upbringing?
1. As I just mentioned my mother stayed home with us when we were children. In my opinion, this was probably the greatest single factor that aided in our successful upbringing. My loving mother stayed home with us as children. She didn't take us to a nursery or send us to the babysitters. We still are very close with her and love her deeply. I don't recall much religious indoctrination at that age but I'm sure Bible stories were told, which seem harmless enough along side stories of the three little pigs and sleeping beauty. Bible stories aren't in themselves wrong. It's just jewish mythology really. It's when we teach them as historical and scientific fact that we start to call that religious indoctrination. Maybe when I have children I can tell them all the fantastic stories from all kinds of different mythologies over human history, not just limit it to the Jewish stories.
2. Sunday school brought fond feelings. I remember my Sunday school teachers using flannel boards to teach us the stories in the Bible. I loved the way the cut out pieces of flannel of Adam and Eve or Noah would stick to the flannel backdrop of the Garden of Eden or Noah's ark. Of course I always wanted to mesh the stories. I was a huge fan of the cartoon "Super Friends" growing up so I enjoyed the all star team sentiment. Only recently have I begin to despise this concept (*An example would be the Miami Heat basketball team.) I also used to think it was so funny to stick Joseph's "coat of many colors" on Samson, or put Daniel's lions in the mouth of Jonah's whale. You get the drift.
3. When I visited my old church recently I was sort of saddened by the lack of entertainment. Maybe everything seemed bigger when I was younger, and I didn't attend a children's service downstairs (which is during the same time as the adult service). The size of the church attendance overall has drastically dropped since I was a kid. Patch the Pirate plays were so fun. I still have those cassette tapes somewhere. Fonda (an attendee of the church that is still currently there and runs the children's ministry) used to do the recruiting. She was the one who was in charge of cooking all that pizza, I mentioned in an earlier blog entry about my recent trip home (just in case you are really following this closely.) My brother and I were always dressed up in some pirate garb every few months for a new "Patch the Pirate" play. She also collaborated with others to present puppet shows to the kids at church. The music was fun and we all had a blast as kids, plus it was my first real introduction into theater and music. Unfortunately I can only get "pirate" gigs in my acting career.
4. The games were also always fun. Competitive sports is a blast. We used to play kickball at school and in church we would have YMCA lock-ins. We had basketball tournaments, and could have had diving competitions in the olympic size swimming pool if I wasn't so terrified of heights. I have fond memories of our Christian school's basketball tournaments. I won a three-point contest at a tournament when I was in junior high. That's right. And a sportsmanship award. So show some respect!! (- because I will obviously show you some in return.) Playing basketball was my obsession then. My Christian school provided me with a sport that had I attended a public school, I would not been talented enough to play, let alone be a starter. Our church also had Monday night "gym nights". Once I began high school I was eligible to join the adults and play against my dad and all his buddies. It was really completive and very fun. Dan was a tough, show no mercy competitor on Monday Night Gym nights.
5. There is a large social benefit to attending a church. Friends and families mix and thus a vibrant community thrives. This is the single hardest aspect of people that become agnostics or atheists. They have to leave that all behind. And we know that human beings are social animals. We thrive off of community. It's what led us to our moralities in the beginning and set up our ethics in the first place. I have friends that I grew up with in church. Some, if not most of which are now non-practicing Christians at the very least; some are open atheists. Some of my closest friends are friends from my childhood, which means friends from my church/Christian school. These connections are more than some supernatural connection. They are real human connections. I think this was the greatest thing church gave me growing up - my best friends. Frans de Waal writes in his book "The Bonobo and the Atheist: In Search of Humanism Among the Primates"
Research points to church attendance as a major factor, which suggests a social dimension. It is well known that social connectedness strengthens the immune system, and church attendance surely helps in this regard. If so, it may not be religiosity per se that protects against disease, but rather human contact. For all we know, the same benefits may apply to members of a book club or a birding society. Churches, however, produce more shared commitment, which does add to a sense of belonging. Emile durkeim, the French father of sociology, emphasized the collective rituals, sacred music, and signing in unison that make religious practice an irresistible bonding experience.
6. Church brought out the rebel in me. I was in no means as much of a rebel as many other friends of mine in my church growing up, but I had my moments. I remember getting "called down" by our Dear Leader from his pulpit during a service as me and my friend were laughing about something. There is this undeserved "father figure" "spiritual expert" respect that must be given to Pastors, sunday school, teachers, and any other authoritarian church figure in church. Typical social hierarchy. We are by nature a hierarchal primate. Talking and laughing during any public speaking event is frowned upon, understandably, but in church it was even more taboo. Especially in "big people" church services. The problem is my friend and I (and my brother as well) kept coming up with the most ludicrous of stories or alternative realities. Think "Mighty Boosh" meets "Tim and Eric", but making less sense. In this world we created all the characters were these caricatures of silly adult church goers sitting in pews next to us, or in the choir, or leading the music, or giving a sermon. Some stories were set outside of the church setting while others involved absurd moments we witnessed. Such as when they set the mortgage of the church building on fire as some dramatic jester; as the congregation cheered we pictured wooden sticks with marshmallows on the ends getting some of that open mortgage flame. As it's been said (or actually never been said), "Nothing more shameful then wasting a perfectly good mortgage blaze." We exaggerated everything, and made what would be boring to most kids into a wide range of comedic, imaginative stories. It was just nearly impossible not to laugh out loud at the absurdity of our imagination running wild in such a senselessly serious environment. Here's a few stories we came up with:
- Carrie's Giant Glasses (that require stilts, wheels, and a track they are so large.)
- Dale and his incredible stretching neck (plus beet red face to boot)
- Mel the Assassin (Mitch is always being watched as he is forced to sing)
- Crotch-walker (someone who could actually only walk on people's crotches)
- The Lizard (no explanation needed)
- Grandfather Clock Falling.
- "I wish I had a watermelon."
- Fonda and the "Ahh my bones" last words at the funeral.
- People that could fold.
- Buddy the Dog.
- Our Mandy Date
- Hoty assassins.
- Owl Towels. (The epic journey of one man.)
- Bat to the Crotch.
- Out of control fireworks
- Jeff and his timeless creed of wisdom, "guys, quit."
- Distant grunter.
- The story of Jason's Mets jacket and the chewing gum
- The Perfect Paperboy
- "Bobby, I gotta go to bed now."
- Who is Cindy Helmet?
- Dan Helmet and the failure of the pizza making machine.
- The great success story of Seth and the house pounding.
- Flies cover human. Human then lifted then dropped to his death. Pointless.
I realize out of context this list makes no sense at all. So I will go into just one of these to show you what I mean and end with that.
The Story of Mitch Troxell.
There was a great man who grew up in our church and moved on to do greater things. And by greater things I mean more professional spiritual type stuff in the Bible belt of Missouri. He had the voice of a golden god (if only calling a man a "god" wasn't so blatantly blasphemous.) He always sang specials in our church services growing up. In fact we have a wonderful old Polaroid of him in "black face" (that's right, painted black,... like a white man painting himself to look like a black man. You know, church stuff.) Luckily there were no real black people in our congregation to be offended by this joke. He always sang this song called "Hammer Ring" The lyrics went a little something like this... (and a one .. and a two...)
Listen to the hammer
as it rings on Calvary
The nails that held Him captive
They liberated me
Now You might say I'm callus
When you see this joy in me
But every blow was planned by God
And taken willingly
So listen to the hammer ring, and rejoice
Listen to the hammer ring, and thank Jesus
Listen to the hammer ring, for He's taken
everything
That was against us, and nailed it to His cross
Precious hands of Jesus
that healed the sick and the lame
His touch was oh so tender
Now those hands are maimed
And those feet to travel
over rough and dusty roads
Now are bloodied by the nails
that my Jesus chose
So listen to the hammer ring, and rejoice
Listen to the hammer ring, and thank Jesus
Listen to the hammer ring, for He's taken
everything
That was against us, and nailed it to His cross
Ever since he moved away our church song specials just weren't the same. The aforementioned Fonda would sometimes go up front to sing. She would always preface her off key song with a long winded testimony that would inevitably end in tears. Of course my eyes were always on the Pastor or the song leader just sitting in the front pew impatiently waiting for this long diatribe to end to not throw off the schedule. THE BUFFET LINES are gonna fill up fast! There was a handful of wonderfully terrible songs by equally talentless vocalists. Some that reminds me of first round American Idol. Praise the Lord with your screeches! Amen. Our youth pastor/choir leader would sometimes sing a special when no one else would fill in. He was talented but his vibrato was so intense he would fluctuate a full few notes each time. Sort of sounded like a lamb. Which I guess, was appropriate.
Anyways, needless to say Mitch came back from time to time to visit. His parents still lived in our small town. Even though he was more like a movie star now when he would visit, (like a Bible Belt celebrity) he would be urged by the church staff to sing a special with each visit. This story actually began because my brother once swore he saw Mitch roll his eyes while singing during one of his visits. Suggesting that he really did not like lowering himself to such lower level superstitious people. So of course as always, my friend, my brother, and I ran with this story. The next thing we know, we created a full blown folklore of Mitch's return visits.
He was clearly being forced (as we imagined - probably by gun point) to sing with each visit back. As he was on stage we imagined that Mel (a church deacon) would be up in the ceiling tiles with a gun pointed at him. The red dot from the site of the sniper would suddenly appear on Mitch's forehead. THEN without a second passing Mitch's sister Peggy would stand up and weakly scream in a raspy voice,
"MITCH! .... there's a sniper on you!"
then Terri Lane shouted instantly, "HIT THE FREAKIN' DIRT, MAN!"
Mitch would in fact "hit the freakin' dirt".
In one imagining we considered (after this initially story was concocted) that one of us would actually be outside the glass doors behind the congregation with a laser pointer. Of course the rest of us would think it was true as the laser pointer ret dot follows Mitch ever so effortlessly as he dives to the ground. Pure ease. and end of story.
These are the types of things that we came up with, and you can damn well guarantee I am going to remember and write more of these stories .. maybe I'll do a blog short every week or so with another "How to Cure Church Boredom" story (that's what I'll call them). If any of you remember any of this and want to email me or comment with other stories you remember please feel free to do so. If there are any requests from the list you would like to here let me know. I MUST get this out. It's just too important to humanity.
Years ago my friends and I used to be in a band called "Early August". We actually had a small following of fans. We broke up but several years later we started sending out emails and myspace bulletins talking about us reuniting and recording a new song. Well, it was all a joke and it was a actually a rap song with lyrics solely comprised of inside jokes. Most of which were stories from the list I put up above.
The song is called, "Hammer Ring" listen to the mp3 HERE):
http://www.myspace.com/earlyaugust
Meet my old church:
http://www.wbcjax.org/
Meet my old school:
http://www.westfairchristian.com/
