Day 22 (Wednesday)
I farted during morning prayer today. It just came out, and I actually felt a little embarrassed that my biological need to release gas slipped out during this most intimate moment with God. We are animals after all and these things happen, I suppose. I didn't go to the extremes before my daily prayers. I didn't bath myself completely (wudu) before I knelt in prayer to Allah. From what I've read, hygiene is very important to Muslims (especially before prayer); so saying I farted during prayer may be leaning towards the blasphemous side. Not the best way to start off week four of Ramadan.
So anyways, I woke up at 4:20am today and actually ate a breakfast of nuts, celery and some salsa. I know! It's a pretty odd combination. I prayed for fajr and went back to bed. For once I actually fell right back to sleep and woke up again at around 9:30am. It felt really good to observe prayer this morning. It does feel good to be alone, quiet, and internally focused so early in the morning, before the sun rises. I am off work today. I will hopefully pray at 12:47pm for midday prayer.
My whole day off was great. I forgot to pray however for midday prayer because I was busy awaiting an email response from my Christian friend. I've mentioned him and his blog before. We have been reading Rosenberg's "An Atheist's Guide to Reality" together and discussing it a chapter at a time. I also spent a good hour or so writing week 3 of this Ramadan blog. I really enjoy doing this. I hope everyone has enjoyed reading it as much as I have writing it.
I cheated but it was with my Muslim friend so I felt it was OK by association. I had cantaloupe juice, which technically is "eating" food. My Ramadan dogmatic lines are more blurry than ever. In the afternoon I went for coffee with my girlfriend and I pointed out to her that sometimes I bend the rules of Ramadan way too far. Muslims aren't supposed to drink alcohol even if it is after 8pm. I've done my fair share of having a few beers at the end of the night or a glass of wine. I'm certain coffee and juice aren't permitted let alone water during this fast. I was clearly missing the point. I was treating Ramadan like it was some annoying rule a parent gives you as a teenager - like "don't stay out too late" or "don't watch 'Die Hard' because he says 'yippee ki yay mother******!'" This wasn't the point. The point was to deny myself something that I need to show my devotion to the one true god - Allah. Oops.
We broke fast with delicious Thai food from our favorite local Thai restaurant. That was amazing! Each meal I break fast is amazing, but this place is already so delicious. We met up with a mutual friend that I met through my girlfriend at the restaurant and we shared laughs, tea, and delicious food. We talked about old stories and joked about how they were secretly trying to kill us as it smelled like burning teflon in the restaurant. For the most part it was really enjoyable. At the end of the night, before bed, I snacked on some walnuts and read the book I mentioned earlier.
Day 23 (Thursday)
Missed Fajr today. I had a disturbing dream. The kind of sad, depressing dream that was so real it ruins your entire day. It shifts your mood during your waking life. I hate dreams like this. My girlfriend left for work and I fell back asleep again. I couldn't get the internet to work once I woke up for the day finally around 10am. I was unable get the wi-fi to work all day long so I couldn't write my Christian friend an email response regarding the book discussion. Besides all of this I completely missed the midday prayer as well. As it stands now, as I sit in my car in the parking lot of my job at 2pm, I have yet to pray today. I've only missed prayer completely once before, if I recall correctly. I plan to pray though before I go to bed at least for the final prayer of the day. One prayer is better than no prayer I never say.
I wrote my Christian friend back formerly before I went to work. I finally got the internet working a few minutes before I had to leave. In the email he mentions that he has a certain amount of respect for atheism as a world view. He said that if he were not a Christian he would be an atheist. This shocked me a bit. I found this fascinating coming from a devout Christian in the ministry. I responded by asking him - if at the core of what you believe inside of you is "there has to be a god" then why not explore the validity of the other monotheist religions before jumping straight to atheism. His answer is very interesting to me.
I broke fast with fast food like a terrible human being and went home and went to bed without praying like a full blown heathen. Praying is something that is slipping away from me during these last few days of Ramadan.
Day 24 (Friday)
It has become very apparent that I don't pray anymore. I simply just do other things. The distinct rules and rituals of Ramadan are falling apart for me one by one. First was the "cheating" with drinking liquids during fast, now I don't pray anymore. I remember, as a teenager, t-shirts people in my church would wear that said "PRAY HARD!"I need do make one that says "HARDLY PRAYS!" But as bad as that joke is, the concept of praying "hard" is really bizarre. How does one pray hard? Does it mean you cry, sweat, or burst a blood vessel? Does praying hard look like this? Does praying hard require one to be glowing red in the face? It just makes me laugh because by contrast one can pray "soft" and I'm assuming this is the weakling who prays weak. What would that look like?
I didn't pray for midday prayer and went to work around 3pm.
**** add more here about nighttime.
(going back through this I see that not only was my Ramadan prayer fading but even blogging about my experience became less and less important to me as you can see how I never went back to "add more here about nighttime".)
I have nothing more to add here. Looking at this now I don't recall what happened this night. Apparently nothing worth writing about.
Day 25 (Saturday)
The journal entries are becoming shorter and shorter with each new day as I wind down Ramadan. It's starting to fade. I missed prayer all day yesterday and haven't prayed at all today either. I just am never in the mood to take the time. I guess I'm not a Muslim. I'm even bad at pretending to be one. It just seems like nonstop rituals all the time. The specific ways you pray and bend your knees angle the foot so as to not point your toes towards the Qibla unless you are bowing towards Mecca. It's like being a strict Catholic. All these symbolic gestures all the time. It all seems sort of silly and useless to me as a contemporary atheist in America. That statement may sound xenophobic or something but that's not how I intended it. People more often then not reflect the religion and cultural customs of the geographical place they grew up. I suppose I am an exception since I was raised in a Baptist home but am now an atheist.
I am going to work at 2:30pm today.
I broke fast with some leftovers from my girlfriend's parents' house at 8pm. After work I went to meet my atheist friend for a beer at a local brewery. We were discussing my recent email exchange and book discussion with my Christian friend. We were laughing as a buzz kicked in at how much information we have actually learned from scientists such as (Krauss or Dawkins) compared to what the anti-scientism theologians and philosophers have given us. It seems that all these people want to do is poke holes in the semantics or debating techniques of the New Atheists. They are correct in a lot of ways but at the same time I have had gained so much knowledge in biology by reading a Dawkin's book. I now understand how certain scientific theories work. Those that pick holes at arguments aren't contributing as much as those that are doing science.
We also had a good laugh about how proponents of Intelligent Design, unlike the anti-scientism philosophers don't actually have any correct points in the flaws of the New Atheists. They are attempting to poke holes in the theory of evolution, but despite their confidence they are not successfully doing so. In fact, they are making themselves look really ridiculous, putting themselves out their for ridicule since reality is completely different than what the creationist gathers from his holy book.
I left the bar around midnight to go to accompany my girlfriend to her car since she got off work at 12:30am. As I was driving to meet her I saw a restaurant's sign and did a double take. The restaurant was called "Gandhi India's Cuisine". So the master faster himself is even subject to the unstoppable tidal wave of capitalism. Wow. I of course didn't pray after we got back to the house. Drunken prayers (like the TV show "Drunken History") is amusing for about a minute then it gets really old really fast. I fell asleep after having a few beers. Again, very Muslim of me. Might as well had some bacon before bed...
I am being prophetic as you will soon see.
Day 26 (Sunday)
Again no prayer. In fact I almost forgot to write anything in my journal today regarding Ramadan. It seems now just an annoying practice that is stopping me from consuming food all day. I can hardly wait for this to be over! I really mean that. I think next year if I do this again I will participate in what I call "Ramadan Light" (it's all the fun of Ramadan but in half the time! I would maybe do it for a week or two. A month is too long!) I'm writing this at 7:55pm and I'm about to go break my fast with my Muslim friend. This week hasn't been so magical and I was under the impression that it was supposed to be the best week. I have to say I read somewhere or heard on the news that during this week Muslims pray more. I have actually prayed less. I haven't again prayed at all today
I'll write more after breaking my fast.
... Or not.
Day 27 (Monday)
Has it become apparent to the readers of this last week of Ramadan I'm sort of going through the motions at this point. I have lost my steam even for writing about it. Today was another prayerless day. I woke up early to go to offsite. "Retail Now" convention. I felt like a vampire, rushing to eat as the sun slowly rises in the background. I must not be in the sunlight! AAAH!! "Muslim Vampires". Hmm. I may want to copyright that movie idea! If Abraham Lincoln can be a vampire hunter why can't a devout Muslim by a vampire? The offsite was fun. It was laid back and I sat with my co-worker talking about all sorts of things. We talked about people growing their own food and how I was really wanting to get into gardening once we moved into an adequate house that had a backyard. He told me that he always gets fresh homegrown veggies and fruits from people in his church. I had a flashback of all the tomatoes, peppers, and cucumbers our fellow church-goers gave us each Sunday at church growing up. The one thing I miss desperately with religion is the community of people that help each other out. This is the biggest draw in my opinion to church-going.
I broke my fast with my Muslim friend again. We had salad, eggplant, and delicious rice with pomegranet seeds. We had a great time laughing as we also ate our dates and hot tea. He told me about when he lived in the Middle East how they all met up after Ramadan for a celebration. They would all meet up in a very large building. He said it was the size of a stadium, but so many people came for celebration that they had to open up the parking lot as well; and everyone brought their own prayer mats and prayed together. This must have been a powerful sight.
After the meal we watched the film, "Ben Hur". I've seen this movie countless times growing up with my family. It's an entertaining movie that of course has some silly over-dramatic acting at times and the whole Jesus thing goes a little too far into Christian propaganda. It's fine if you want to portray Jesus of Nazareth in Roman history, but it's quite another thing to go the Christ route. Anyways, there is this scene where a bunch of African slaves dance around - the women of course have barely any clothes on dancing seductively and I remembered my father. I was very young and my dad was grumbling under his breath while he would always turn the channel or fast forward during that part. Oh dad, must you censor every thing biology gives us homo sapiens? There weren't too many films (even older ones) that my father didn't have at least one scene in the movie that he felt needed to be censored.
My Muslim friend told me that some Jehovah Witnesses came to his house a few years back and instead of shooing them away he let them in to discuss their religion. As someone who grew up an Evangelical Christian that is now a nonbeliever I found it fascinating to hear stories about a Muslim and a Jehovah Witness debating the truth claims of their specific religion. I recently had a friend convert to the Jehovah Witness religion and he has become strict in his new faith. I may possibly be joining him for meetings to see what it is all about and quite possibly blog about this experience. Apparently I am becoming the atheist who participates in all things religion (except the belief in god part).
My Muslim friend said they talked for hours and they even brought back their pastor or whoever is in charge of the local meet ups for Jehovah Witnesses. They discussed differences between Islam and Jehovah Witness. He said that the Jehovah Witness said that no one in my friend's house should be getting a blood transfusion and that he should take down their Christmas tree. The men asked why a Muslim would even have a Christmas tree. My Muslim friend responded, "well my family likes it." The men explained that Christmas was nothing more than a holiday for consumers. I couldn't agree more with that statement myself, but the entire time he was telling me this I was so wishing I could have been there to record this exchange. I have to do more research on the Jehovah Witness faith. They have some interesting beliefs.
Today was a good day, but still again ... no prayer all day.
Day 28 (Tuesday)
I am told by my Muslim friend that this is the 2nd to last day of Ramadan. I look forward to eating when I'm hungry again. This was a very long month and I don't know if I will be doing it again. If I do it will be out of the respect for my Muslim friend and showing solidarity with him in what he cares about most. I think it made him happy to know he wasn't alone in his circle of friends observing Ramadan. He knows I am not a Muslim. In fact I was asked recently by someone "So you aren't an atheist anymore?" noting on my recent observing of Ramadan. I was taken off guard by the question. At times in our society I think its really hard to admit you are an atheist. I didn't fully admit to my atheism (I feel guilty about not being true to who I am). I essentially explained that I was agnostic, mostly because the person I was talking to probably didn't know what an agnostic atheist was. Things like this always start with, "well, it's complicated to explain." It is in some ways, but the blunt honesty of saying, "Yes. I'm an atheist" is something I'm still barely getting used to since it still isn't completely accepted in American society. I explained to her that someone can technically be an agnostic atheist, which is what I am.
I have to work again tonight at 2:30 and I am not sure how I will break my fast. I may try to actually pray for midday if I don't forget in an hour or so. I'll let you know.
I forgot dhuhr completely today. I didn't pray. Big shock. I realized this as I was sitting in my car listening to "Star Talk Radio w/ Neil deGrasse Tyson" waiting to go into work at 2:30pm. I spent a good majority of my day watching this documentary called "Searching for Noah's Ark". It was a documentary from the 70's that showed "conclusive" proof that Noah's Ark has indeed been found on Mount Ararat in Turkey. Of course this entire documentary was riddled with bias and false information. It was actually sort of like Poe's law. If you were to stumble across this you may think that it was a parody. It's hard to tell sometimes with these things.
We couldn't contact my brother who is traveling abroad til the end of this month. For a moment in my mind (as I was in line at Coffee Bean getting my gallon of iced coffee) I linked my brother's possible safety concerns (as my mother and I had not heard from him in some time) to me not praying anymore. It's funny how our mind automatically goes to what we were programmed as a child to believe. When I was younger when something terrible would happen I would beg Jesus in a very passionate tearful prayer (AKA - "Praying Hard!") to ease my pain or suffering. Now I was feeling the same guilt for not praying, but to a different god this time - Allah. And just for an instant. Of course I snapped back into reality and remembered all the studies on prayer and how they have conclusively shown prayer does not work. I considered in that brief moment to try and cover my bases with the two different gods and have my dad pray to his Christian god while my Muslim friend could pray to the god of Islam. I went with the "Flying Spaghetti Monster" instead.
After work I drank a few beers and watched a very powerful documentary on climate change. It's called "Chasing Ice". (Find it and watch it! It's on Netflix) I had tears rolling down my face as I watched ice sheets plummeting into the ocean and made a very real connection to the power I'm using in the house in which I live to watch this documentary and climate change. We like to think we are separated from nature. Religion in a general sense does not help in this regard. We are told from Islam to Christianity that God has "chosen people" .. a strand of ape species called homo sapiens that are to have "dominion over the earth" (it is our God-given right to subdue this planet as our own). This is the opposite of ecology and the opposite of how we should act. This god has set aside a chosen people to do with this planet what they will because this is not our "real home" .. this is merely temporary. In some ways this defense mechanism of religion (confronting with one's own mortality) has backfired and caused us to think we can do with this planet whatever we see fit since we are merely "passing through" in this lifetime. It's such a damaging way of thinking. We can never just be satisfied with this brief life we are so lucky to live and treat this planet with respect by living sustainably.
Went to bed with a bit of a buzz and no prayer. Tomorrow is the last day of Ramadan. Will I get up to pray?
Day 29 (Wednesday)
Nope.
In fact I slept almost til 11am like some hungover teenager. I have a dentist appointment at 3 so hopefully I can pray one last time at midday prayer. I drank coffee (imagine that) and water today. Since my Muslim friend and I started one day late (according to some Muslims) we technically should fast through tomorrow, but today will be our last day. I'm completely fine with this. However, we were talking today about using this momentum of fasting every day and supplementing it with just eating raw fruit all day, or raw veggies all day, maybe three days a week. This will of course cleanse our organs and also help us eat a healthier at least a third of the meals we consume. I also MUST stop drinking coffee every couple hours. It's very unhealthy to drink the amount of coffee I have been drinking since I started Ramadan. Not eating is just an excuse for this bad habit.
This was one of my favorite nights during Ramadan. After a delicious meal of chicken cutlets and salad we sat down (my Muslim friend, his wife, my girlfriend and I) and shared some tea and watched some TV. After awhile my Muslim friend started telling us stories of his childhood and teenage years (growing up in the Middle East). I have joked before that this man is quite possibly "the most interesting man in the world" (AKA the Dos Equis guy). Not only does he sort of look like him but he literally is the most interesting man I've met in a lot of ways. His stories are amazing tales of adventure and hilarity. He nearly went to the Olympics. He's met really famous world leaders, he's a world traveler. He had us in tears of laughter at some points while shocking us with unbelievable tales at other moments. We left feeling so connected and uplifted. I am so glad I was able to experience this Muslim tradition with him. This was another reason why I did this. Perhaps the most important reason - I wanted to have solidarity with people that matter most in my life.
It's what ultimately makes me a humanist. I like humans. Especially my Muslim friend.
I think it's important to show support even when you don't necessarily identify with a friend or family member's religion, politics, belief system, etc. As I've said before, we are all just humans trying to work things out in our own way, in our own head, in our own heart each passing moment in our fleeting lifetime. I think we need more solidarity, support, and love. I learned this lesson doing this. It's important to see where the other person is coming from. I think it is important to stand side by side with people to show them that you support their right to do whatever they want or to believe whatever they want. This should be reciprocated as well. As atheists we should be able to expect the same support and solidarity in our life choices and nonbelief. We should have our friends and family's back and they should have ours because love is more important than whether you think there is a god or not.
Day 30 (Thursday)
My Muslim friend and I celebrated the end of Ramadan (Eid-al-Fitr) in our own local way... We went to a buffet at a nearby casino to eat the "all you can eat" breakfast. We loaded up with sausage, eggs, bacon, chicken friend steak, biscuits and gravy, pancakes, waffles, and hashbrowns. We had a great time and ate until we couldn't eat anymore. The food was delicious and we dispersed and went about our day. I had forgotten what a full stomach in the morning felt like. It felt terrible. I went off to work in a food coma and almost longed for the days of fasting as feeling that full does not feel right. The food we ate was incredibly unhealthy as well, which didn't help. I would suggest for those atheists out there that are considering practicing Ramadan follow these tips:
1. Don't drink so much coffee during your fast (maybe only on your first day just so you don't get a migraine)
2. Don't ever gorge on food the day after Ramadan (it hurts! Your body isn't used to it. Don't shock your system.)
In Conclusion:
I like to put myself in other people's shoes sometimes and see the world form their perspective. I think this is vital in understanding where people are coming from and to better form a worldview that isn't narrow-minded. The news reports in the last few days have been about the al qaeda threat on U.S. embassies worldwide. The news tells me that terrorist threats are something we need to all be aware of during this time of year (the end of Ramadan). I just thought how strange. That's not been my experience at all. I am not naive enough to not think there aren't religious extremist in Islam, obviously, but it so contrasts my personal, peaceful Ramadan experience. I don't recall reading that at the end of Ramadan you are to break your fast by blowing up Americans. The Islam I experienced in that month was a peaceful Islam. It was an Islam that showed me the internal focus power of prayer, but it was also the Islam that showed me some outdated information on life and human well-being. It showed me that not all Muslims are evil terrorist, but it also showed me that not eating all day long can give you a massive migraine headache because your biological need for food is something you should satisfy.
The way people I grew up with in white middle America think of Muslims is no longer how I think about Muslims. As I've recently heard some people from my past suggest President Obama is a secret terrorist Muslim, one can only chalk these fallacies up for ignorance. It's simply that these people don't know because they are listening to the filter. As President Bush once said, it's hard to get the correct information when most Americans are listening/watching through the filter (referring to the major media in the U.S.) I agree with him. If you turn on different news stations you get a very skewed worldview. A worldview that isn't necessarily correct. It's narrow and biased in many ways. I think it would do many Christians good as well as many atheists to walk a day in a Muslim's shoes. I think many Muslims are profiled unfairly and treated as second-class citizens in this country and from my personal experience the most peaceful and loving people I know happen to be practicing Muslims. So before you judge try walking in their shoes for a day. Try Ramadan for yourself and see where you land.
Of course I stand with Sam Harris and many others who consider Islam as a very dangerous religion (going through it's rebellious, barbaric, violent teenage years) in the modern world. We need to settle it down. If religion is going to persist and survive in this modern era it has to be a moderate form of religion not a literalist version of any religion. The world cannot survive with these types of extremists out there (in any religion) as they are to get their hands on WMDs and wipe us all out. A free society is the only thing that should not be compromised. I will offend your religious dogma any day if it means saving my free society.
And what of all the charity work? This is the one thing that made me really want to do Ramadan. All this charity work. My Muslim friend said that his mother donated for me and him and his whole family to the Red Cross. This is tremendously sweet and beautiful of her to do, but I never directly participated in charity myself. (The homeless guy with the dollar doesn't count.) I am not blaming anyone but myself of course but it got me thinking about religion just being a lens to see the world through, a totally unnecessary lens at that. I mean, essentially I experienced Ramadan and didn't give to the poor where as an atheist I have at least signed up to do soup kitchen work and packing bagged lunches for poor children. Religion doesn't own morality. In fact it confuses things. One can be moral and be an unbeliever obviously, but why jump through this unnecessary hoop to just help ease the suffering of a fellow human being?
In the end of this experiment it was brought to my attention how I became an atheist. Some have testimonies of a drastic "AHA!" moment where it suddenly hit them that religion was all a crock of b.s. However, for me and many other atheist friends of mine it was a slow gradual process. It wasn't painful for me either. If you were to meet me as a child or even teenager you would have met a devout follower of Jesus Christ. I was a young earth creationist, anti-evolution, Bible-fearing punk rocker for God. And it was very real, and slowly but surely, piece by piece, with each bit of information I read here or video I watched there or hypocrisy I noticed in this church or with that pastor my faith slowly fell apart. My month long experience with Islam (through Ramadan) sort of fell apart slowly the same way. I just stopped caring and with that began to just be "over it". I suppose this could be due to laziness as much as it is missing my creature comforts. It all came crumbling down until in the end I was exactly where I started -
... an Atheist.
